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Off-base percentage (OBP):

• The measure of a TV baseball announcer’s ability to veer precariously away from the action on the field to deliver a tangential anecdote so rooted in that announcer’s own personal experience that it cannot possibly be understood by anyone watching the game.
• Highest OBP ever recorded: Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan (tie)

Walks Per Federal Grand Jury Appearance (WFGJA):

• Ability of player to avoid successful criminal prosecution even in the face of overwhelming evidence and off-the-charts anti-karmic numbers
• Highest WFGJA ever recorded: Barry Bonds

PEYOTA:

• The measure of a player’s ability to perform at world class levels while intoxicated beyond normal human levels
• Highest PEYOTA ever recorded: Dwight Gooden (1984-1993, 2008)

Fielder’s (Side Dish) Choice (FC):

• The inverse correlation between a player’s waist measurement and the ability to actually refer to that person as an ‘athlete’.  Numbers for baseball in this regard are typically off the charts
• Highest FC ever recorded: Cecil and Prince Fielder (tie)

Runs (Accidentally) Created (RC):

• Typically a high profile player who unintentionally affects the outcome of a crucial game without acting the least bit interested in the outcome of said game, thus infuriating traditionalists
• Highest RC ever recorded: Manny Ramirez

Scrappiness Index (SI):

• The direct relationship between a player’s clean-cut caucasian good looks and the likelihood that local fans will overlook that player’s disappointing play and applaud his ‘hustle’ (also known as “White Blindness”)
• Highest SI ever recorded: David Eckstein (”Did you see that ground ball back to the pitcher? He’s giving it his all!”)

Strikeouts per Budding Country Music Career Destroyed (SBMCD):

• Inherent ability of a egomaniacal player to satisfy his manly desires whilst stealing the glint out of a simple country girl’s eye, leaving her as a pale husk of a woman.
• Highest SBMCD ever recorded: Roger Clemens